(back) On track?

Maybe so. Sometimes I don’t get me, though. I may mope and whine incessantly because I’m in the house too much and not out with friends having fun and doing nothing. And yet when the time comes and I’m home alone, surrounded by the blissful sound of silence, I revel in it. No matter what I do, or what I don’t, I still welcome it, and eventually enjoy it. I thought I was afraid of loneliness, but I’m starting to believe that what I’m really afraid of is not having the choice. Women! Right? I’m 28 years old and there are still things I can’t explain about myself. Am I the only one? Sometimes it feels that way.

Remember how I said that we always ask too much of ourselves but at the same time we also settle for too little? Well, right now, I seem to be standing somewhere in the middle. I am still treading water, but at least I’m keeping my eyes fixed on the nearest shore. The upcoming year will probably be the hardest one for me -for many reasons- and so my mind, having already caught up with me, is trying to figure out how we’re going to cope. Visually it probably resembles an interactive white board where data, deadlines, and feelings are all being crunched to produce a solution in the abstract and dreamy form of a peace of mind. But it knows better, as do I. For this equation will only begin to unravel when certain actions occur. Until then, chaos reigns.

Have you ever noticed how easily big problems can be reduced to nothing more than “it’ll be OK”? Don’t you just hate that? I do. I resent it. Allow me to explain why. I’m upset/worried/concerned about something. I’m telling “you” about it firstly because I want to get it off my chest. The second reason lies in the fact that I want to talk it out. Out loud. With another human being. And no, it’s not going to be OK, or at least you don’t know it will. So what do I expect the other person to say? “You’re screwed?” No. Well, not unless they really mean it. But a more honest and thought out response would be greatly appreciated. Don’t shoot my problem down with blanks. If I’m opening up, it’s probably because it’s important to me. (On the other end of the spectrum I really don’t understand how some people talk about their problems and make them appear trivial while in reality they might be tragic, or life-changing. But that’s just me.)

Oh dear, I’m beginning to blather again, aren’t I? Sometimes (much like this one) it seems that I’m the only (crazy?) person who actually considers such things. But not because I’m smarter or weirder, (well maybe I am a little weirder) but because we take so much of our everyday life for granted. We don’t have time for anything anymore. Aaaaand that’s my cue.

But think about it …and get back to me.

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