On dark pits

It’s been a year with very dark patches; holes whose bottom I was struggling to find in order to fill. The search became exhausting, and all I managed to do was lose myself in an empty pit created for me by someone else. For a moment I though it was mine, so I tried to familiarise myself with it. I began looking for corners, in an effort to give it a shape. I felt around it with my hands, but in the dark you can easily be fooled.

I shouldn’t have gone in blind, I shouldn’t have done a lot of things. I should have known better. Why do we do shitty things to ourselves? Why do we go in blind? Why do we not trust our fucking instinct when it’s always been right? Pride, ego, bullshit excuses.

I don’t think I’ve ever lost myself to the extent I did this year, in that pit. There were moments when even if they’d given me a light I wouldn’t have taken it for fear of there being a mirror I would have to look myself in. One person saw it. The one who offered me the light. I turned him down and then accused him of being too hard on me.

Ungrateful.

I like to choose my battles, but I was too cocky thinking I could actually win this one without a shield. When I figured it out I was almost too beaten down to even pick it up. But I did, and here I am, lying on my couch at 1:47 am alone and loving every second of it. The silence envelops me in ways I can’t describe.

City sounds heard through the open window remind me that I belong in this city that I adore and sometimes hate, for I know it can be better. I am a part of it and I identify with it. It flows in my veins; they are Athenian, and so am I. 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s