How many more letters will I have to write before my insides stop having the desire to express themselves in writing? I am tired. I am tired of using my words to rationalise and argue for what should be a given. I am exhausted. I need my words to cease working and start weaving. I don’t mind writing letters. I am tired of their purpose: ending things. I am tired of them assassinating the hopes and expectations that their predecessors brought to life. I am tired of killing what I gave birth to.
A pattern keeps emerging these past few weeks, one that’s reached its peak in the past few days. Little white lies. It dawned on me last night while I was doing a Speaking test with one of my students. The question was “some people distinguish between white lies (small lies) and serious lies. Do you think they are justified in thinking this way?” My student hurried to boldly claim that no type of lie is acceptable. “We must always tell the truth,” she said as she looked at me awaiting my approval. I smiled. “Are you certain?” I asked. “Isn’t that what I should say?” she answered. I laughed.
The truth is we cannot function, neither as individuals nor as a society, without our little white lies. The truth is we need them to go on, to feel good, to avoid unnecessary conflict, to let someone down easy, to avoid being cruel and mean, when you can simply exhale what the other has been dying to inhale: his white lie quota of the day.
Try going a single day without them. It will prove to be a much more daunting task than you had originally thought. Lies of survival, as a beautiful man I know called them last night; and they are indeed.
If Darwin were still alive he’d be including them in the instincts that have helped us evolve, but mostly stay alive. Survival of the wicked. That is what it has come down to. But is it, wicked? Or is it common sense, decency, kindness? We claim it’s selfless, but to a great extent it’s also selfish. If we hurt someone’s feelings we also have to deal with them after, especially if we have to see that person again soon. So aren’t we really protecting ourselves? Saving ourselves from drama, emotional outbursts and possible long-lasting consequences?
What is the No1 question we keep asking at times like these? “Is it (really) worth it?” But my question is, “well, when is it?” And how will you know when it is? What does a truth worth uttering look like? Does it wink? Do you have a code word by which to identify it?
I’ve spoken far too many truths in my life; some have cost me greatly. And yet at times I feel as though I haven’t spoken nearly enough.
“Do we really need those kinds of truths?” someone told me recently. Those very words, his own truth, was a knife in my heart. A fucking machete. One that tore through everything I had been laboriously mending.
That’s what we don’t realise, even we truth-lovers. Yours is not everyone else’s. Only you care for yours. For the universal truth about truths is that we all crave to speak them, but no one cares to listen.
It was a good day today. Nothing happened. It was neutral, but in a good way. It was uneventful but not stagnant. I don’t want this year to be neutral, though. Neutrality is a state that unsettles me. I find it fake. Things are never really that abstract. It is either our blindness or our ignorance that makes them appear as such.
It’s funny how we attribute so much importance to the moment midnight signals a leap into a new year; as if something changes, as if we’ve entered a new dimension. We love to compartmentalise things. We thrive on separating and fragmenting time in periods, and labelling events as if time is not linear but stops and then begins again on human demand. We like to control everything and neatly place unfathomable concepts in tiny little boxes of convenience that somehow make them approachable.
I don’t particularly like the number ‘8’; that, too, is kinda neutral. Vanilla is my favourite smell, but in my mouth and in my nostrils is where the love ends. Why have we attached such negative connotations to something so beautiful and delectable? We’ve even gone as far as classifying the most boring sex as vanilla. Breaks my heart.
But where was I? Oh, yes, the fact that achromatic things make me cringe and put me on edge.
We live on contradictions and oxymorons we have created ourselves. ‘Seize the day,’ we boldly exclaim, and then glorify our routine. How are you different from last night? Have you made any changes in the way you live, function and make decisions? Oh no, I’m sorry, I forgot. It’s not you that will change. It’s the year itself that is responsible for bringing on the new shit. Right. That, or others. Never you. God forbid.
We blame time for everything and yet celebrate its passing in birthdays, anniversaries and new years. Yay, you’re still alive! Eat some cake, blow some candles, buy a memory-related gift and drink yourself into forgetting the last 365 you drank to 365 days ago.
How do you feel? Neutral? Good. At least it’s not bad, right? Numb has turned into a luxury sensation. It has replaced happiness, because it’s better than many other things but not bad enough to alarm or upset you. We need you numb.
As you were.
I turn my mattress around every three months. Every week I change my sheets. I wash my towels every three days, my hair every two, my body each and every one. I have one lighter in my car, two in my bag, and one in my jacket. I carry a book and a notebook with me everywhere I go, even if I’m certain I’ll have no time to use either.
I am a creature of habit. We all are.
What is a habit if not a pattern? What does it do except make us painfully predictable? Its virtues are order, discipline and responsibility; its vices are sloth, compromise and (sometimes) loss of self. I’m sick of them, for they relay monotony.
I don’t believe in resolutions. They never work. They’re pretentious. They’re carelessly contrite. But if I made one this year it’d be to break my habits. All of them. Stop everything I’m doing and do it differently; again, but antithetically. Not for the sake of it, no, but to disengage from the mundane, the customary, the prosaic.
What turns a single action into a habit? What locks us within it and forces us, with such ease, to rhythmically fade out as we blindly walk in and out of its vicious circle of haunting familiarity? It is the lack of thought, effort and ever decreasing level of difficulty. For as we grow older we do not only lose our patience and willingness to try something new, but, worst of all, expel our imagination and evict original thought as if it were a contagious disease that could kill us, or worse…awaken us.
Habits encapsulate human existence as they trample on its essence. They amalgamate with our DNA to the point where breaking them almost seems inhuman. The choice of verb is not coincidental: to break a habit one must be willing to tear limbs, fracture bones, rupture thoughts, and sever movements that were once connected and weaved with reason.
Our survival instincts are to blame. For they hibernate when we are not in danger. They become indifferent to the state of existence as long as they actually exist. Even if inside we’re rotting away, slithering in a pool of numbing acquiescence.
Destroy them, why don’t you. Annihilate every crumb that falls from your swollen mouth of lies to the floor on which you crawl daily and call life.
Break the habit.
Crack your skull.
Rebuild yourself anew.
There is a hurricane swirling every thought and every emotion I’ve ever had. It has become defining. It has changed my atoms. It has warped me and made me more volatile and inflammable than I’ve ever been. I love and fear it, for it drives me towards a chaotic vacuum that includes everything I’ve ever wondered about. It is oblivious to pain, logic and regret. It breathes through me. It exhales existential fumes and encompasses concepts of ecstasy.
I have three books waiting for me. Three worlds I keep nibbling at occasionally. I open them and delve in, sometimes with an unparalleled immersion, and other times with an unfocused, almost childish, boredom and haste for what’s next.
The thing I do best is think. It is said that by the time we die we’ve spent years of our life sleeping. By the time I die, I will have spent the rest thinking. I can’t stop. We sometimes use the word “overthinking” jokingly, to describe something in exaggeration so as to make a point. For me it is literal, and oftentimes disturbing. I stretch my mind like an elastic band, but every time it approaches its inevitable breaking point, I find a way to extend it. And so it goes.
It has, by now, encircled all aspects of my existence. It has led me to thoughts, desires, decisions and a relinquishment of dread as I’ve never before experienced, or believed I could. It has also accomplished something else. It has brought with it a companion; one that has taught me to exterminate fears and destroy doubts. He has allowed me to review and re-experience me/myself/I in the absence of all that was always expected of me.
To explore yourself you need to destroy yourself first. Annihilate original notions of all that you are and all that you think you believe. You need to undress slowly, shed layer upon layer of conviction that’s been imbedded in you over the course of your life. With every layer you burn you shed the tears that bore its significance. The lighter you become, the freer you feel, the more simply you breathe, the more frightened you grow. For you had been carrying all this burden for nothing. For all the wrong reasons, in your callow self-ignorance.
I thus began to walk differently; speak more eloquently; taste more bitterly; fuck more dactylically.
I became something else entirely. But I did not change. I evolved. I expanded. For every layer I shed, I added a piece of me I’d left behind in the belief that it was transgressive. It was not.
I did not change. I emerged. I succumbed to myself. I unfolded what I had muzzled and I heard my voice for the very first time.
These are the moments before something happens. This right now is your future, camouflaged in present. The minutes bleed into each other as the seconds dance and swirl between past and future; they are way too minute to withstand now.
Time is effervescent in your current predicament. It doesn’t flow, it breathes; not in exhalations and inhalations but in hurricane-like movements. Out of control, seemingly.
Nothing is out of our control.
Nothing is outside of us.
The world around us is our own construction to the extent that our subconscious impales us with thoughts of disarmament against an unwanted reality. One we cannot escape. That is what we keep repeating over and over and over, until we believe and instil in our fingerprints every lie we’ve ever told.
The now you’re wasting away is the future you’re unbuilding. One tiny little wrecking ball has replaced the pendulum of thought inside our heads. It destroys as it oscillates. It demolishes hopes instead of walls. It uncreates what it should enlighten.
We don’t believe in pendulums, and yet they function because of the same force that we do: gravity. We gravitate towards everything that consumes us, controls us, leaves us pendulus (hanging). We gravitate towards the elements we have erroneously believed (in the alarming absence of thought) will elevate us, only to watch ourselves fall inside the same pit.
Yes, we are allowed to fall. Fall into infinity, until our knees bleed. But never inside the same one twice.
We’re not supposed to revere it. We’re supposed to learn from it.
It can’t break free.
I’ve learned not to rely on you. You’ve taught me that well. I’ve learned that things are almost always what they seem. I’ve learned not to believe what I hear and always listen for the silences. The things people do not say speak volumes. I’ve learned you must endure what you never had and learn to live without what you thought was yours.
I’ve learned a lot and taught a little. I’ve learned that lessons are only valid when you teach them to another, never to yourself. I’ve learned that what we fear the most always finds its way back to us, to teach us once again. I’ve learned that what you give will not come back to you; you should not expect it to. You should not have offered in the first place. You should only give when you don’t expect.
I’ve learned not to depend on you, for you will always let me down; sometimes, even before you’ve picked me up. Sure, we all use each other. We all inhale with greed. We all feed off the crumbs that were never even intended for consumption. We’ve learned that quotes sum up our existence better. For we are weak, unaware, and compulsively ignorant. We are socially illiterate.
We are animals pretending to belong to another species; one we invented to amuse ourselves. One we’ve been using to elevate our false assumptions of what it is to be noble, righteous, dignified, and logical. We rationalise bullshit and call it human.
I’ve learned to build a cage, and then I taught myself to breathe inside it. I haven’t locked myself in, I’ve simply kept everyone else out. I’ve kept myself safe, sane, alone, almost unscathed. They see me as a prisoner, I see them as enslaved. I’ve learned how to almost be normal. I’ve learned how to keep the Wolf inside. I’ve learned that when he comes out they don’t even dare to look. All they see is teeth.
I’ve learned not to rely on you, something you’ve always been proud of. A pat on the back and a grin. A kind word for tokenism. A small amount of logic to sugar-coat the rest. As the coffee drips into the jug, so your words fall and are consumed; as if they mean something, as if I won’t be needing more, as if they made some kind of difference. Both were as good as their taste endured in my mouth, on my tongue, and in between these sharp, hostile teeth.
I don’t have a pack, I go alone, for I’ve learned not to rely on you. Not to rely on anyone.